I think I won the penis lottery.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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