Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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