so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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