so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
