Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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