Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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