So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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