So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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