I accidentally had phone sex last night
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
