Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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