I am full of burrito and curiosity
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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