my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
