Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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