Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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