I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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