Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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