After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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