I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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