One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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