Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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