She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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