A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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