I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
