I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
