trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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