WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
