For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
