Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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