420 ftw
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize