Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize