Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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