I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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