How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
if only i could text you this smell
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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