so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
