I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
