woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
