I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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