my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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