Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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