oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Come on in and take your pants off
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