Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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