I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
