Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just pynch a tree in the face
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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