don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it glows. i had to have it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
