I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
