if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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