when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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