Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
