Cold hands, warm shart.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize