You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
