I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
