ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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