Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
