Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
