You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
