the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I got inside last night via doggy door
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
