at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize