Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
