Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
