It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
