life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
