all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
